PSA: Sex and Consent (TW: Rape and Sexual Assault)
Mar 25, 2014 15:49:39 GMT -6
Jack | Hiccup | Flynn Rider and xxMintoStarxx like this
Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2014 15:49:39 GMT -6
This wasn't triggered by anything that happened recently, but I've felt like this needed to be talked about for a long time. There have been a few specific instances in these forums where consent was breached, in particular with two of my characters, and while I didn't post anything in response at the time due to my PTSD, anxiety, and depression, I now feel more capable of writing what should have been written back then.
While this is a fictional forum, these things have real life consequences and violating others' boundaries is never ok. I enjoy writing sex as much as anything else, but this forum doesn't exist in a vacuum and issues surrounding consent definitely need to be addressed.
I won't cover everything here, as there are some links to sites that will explain things far better to you than I can, but I will cover the basics to the best of my ability. I will also come back to this post to update it if I remember something I forgot, or if I have a new link to add, etc.
As one of the links below states, "Respecting your partner’s boundaries, and having them respect yours- is not some ‘extra’. It is the baseline, the minimum requirement."
I can't emphasize that enough. Consent is always necessary and always required. No excuses, no "it just felt right" or "I didn't know" or any of that bullshit. And if you dare to pull out "I just couldn't control myself" or some other rape apologist nonsense, you will be blocked by me without a second's hesitation. Even dogs listen when we tell them 'no' and if you can't even match a dog's intellect then I don't have enough time to waste on you anyway.
As for what consent can look like, often verbal and clear is the best way to go, but non-verbal consent is often used as well.
Non-verbal consent can be your partner meeting you half-way, nodding their approval, anything really that indicates interest and enthusiasm as to what's going on.
Hesitation, pulling away, and not responding are often non-verbal signals that what's going on isn't ok, and you need to check with your partner and double check that everything is fine.
Manipulating and pressuring your partner into agreeing with you is NOT consent on their part, and you are guilty of sexual assault and/or rape as well as abusive behavior.
Silence is also NOT consent.
Being too drugged or drunk to give consent is NOT consent.
Being asleep is NOT consent.
Depending on the person you're having sex with, sometimes it's necessary to set up very clear boundaries as to what's ok and what's not ok beforehand, while still checking in as often as you can or every once in a while to make sure that they still want to engage with you. Again it depends on the person.
Some people enjoy rougher and more spontaneous sex, and often non-verbal consent is given in those situations, or verbal consent has been given beforehand.
Safe words are an excellent way of letting your partner know when enough is enough. Though these are much more popular in the BDSM community, these work great for more vanilla sex as well, especially if your partner has been sexually assaulted or raped in the past. They are usually words that have nothing to do with sex like 'Red', 'Kangaroo', etc., whatever is preferred between you and your partner(s). There are also gestures, like tapping twice, etc., if there's a preference for being bound and gagged, or if there is some other impediment to being able to speak. Some people are also just naturally more inclined to be non-verbal, and thus prefer gestures. Again, whatever feels most comfortable.
Safe words/gestures can indicate needing to stop completely, merely needing to slow down a bit, or needing to do something different, some people will have different words/gestures assigned to different things, or some people may only have one for stopping. Again whatever is preferred.
Asking before touching is a great way of ensuring consent. Nobody has any right to touch you without your consent. Your body is your own, and thus not even family members or your intimate romantic partner or anybody else has any right to touch your body if you don't consent to it.
Even if you have to verbally ask every single time before you touch someone else, if that's what they require to feel safe and secure, do it.
For those who don't know:
Rape, as is legally defined by the U.S. Department of Justice is: “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” [source]
The legal definition of sexual assault varies by state, but "can be verbal, visual, or anything that forces you to join in unwanted sexual contact or attention. Examples of this are voyeurism (when someone watches private sexual acts), exhibitionism (when someone exposes him/herself in public), incest (sexual contact between family members), and sexual harassment." [source]
Rape has happened three different times in specific regard to two of the characters that I rp with. Perhaps there's more instances, I don't know, as I haven't read every thread. I am merely aware of those instances that happened with my own.
This is not ok and needs to stop.
That does not mean that rape and sexual assault shouldn't be written about. As a survivor of sexual assault writing about that assault and my reactions to it have been very useful in my recovery, as is reading other people's accounts of such events, even if they're merely fictional and the author themselves isn't writing from personal experience.
I've used these forums myself as a partial coping mechanism.
The type of thing I'm talking about is when an assault or rape is made to look like 'normal' sex.
Rape fantasies are different, as they are, again, consensually agreed upon beforehand.
Penetrating someone orally without consent is rape, and just to clarify:
When someone shoves their partner down on the their dick without gaining permission, that's rape. Whether or not they've given oral before, or if they're even currently giving oral as they're being shoved down, it doesn't matter. Unless it's either been agreed upon beforehand or there's been safety words/signals set up, that's rape.
Penetrating someone anally without consent is rape.
Penetrating someone vaginally without consent is rape.
The first two have happened in this forum. And the first one has happened twice.
It's not ok to do this.
And, as a personal note, this shit is triggering as all hell for me to go through, so especially don't do this with me.
If any of my characters suffer sexual assault or rape at the hands of yours, from this point forward, we will not rp together any longer and you will be permanently blocked by me. (not from this site, just from having any direct form of contact with me)
You no longer have ignorance as an excuse.
The only exception to this is if you've personally messaged me and we agreed that it would happen beforehand. Like I said, writing out sexual assault and rape and reactions to them is a part of my recovery process, so I'm not unwilling to explore it as a topic.
If there's anything you guys wish to add to this discussion or any questions you want to ask, feel free. And if I've ever pushed any of you too far or done something wrong, feel free to call me out on it. I'm still learning too.
Below are the links I mentioned earlier (as I said before, I'll likely add more as I find them):
Let's Talk Consent
Let's Talk Sex
Information on Rape/Sexual Assault (this entire site is a pretty good resource)
Sexual Assault Info
While this is a fictional forum, these things have real life consequences and violating others' boundaries is never ok. I enjoy writing sex as much as anything else, but this forum doesn't exist in a vacuum and issues surrounding consent definitely need to be addressed.
I won't cover everything here, as there are some links to sites that will explain things far better to you than I can, but I will cover the basics to the best of my ability. I will also come back to this post to update it if I remember something I forgot, or if I have a new link to add, etc.
As one of the links below states, "Respecting your partner’s boundaries, and having them respect yours- is not some ‘extra’. It is the baseline, the minimum requirement."
I can't emphasize that enough. Consent is always necessary and always required. No excuses, no "it just felt right" or "I didn't know" or any of that bullshit. And if you dare to pull out "I just couldn't control myself" or some other rape apologist nonsense, you will be blocked by me without a second's hesitation. Even dogs listen when we tell them 'no' and if you can't even match a dog's intellect then I don't have enough time to waste on you anyway.
As for what consent can look like, often verbal and clear is the best way to go, but non-verbal consent is often used as well.
Non-verbal consent can be your partner meeting you half-way, nodding their approval, anything really that indicates interest and enthusiasm as to what's going on.
Hesitation, pulling away, and not responding are often non-verbal signals that what's going on isn't ok, and you need to check with your partner and double check that everything is fine.
Manipulating and pressuring your partner into agreeing with you is NOT consent on their part, and you are guilty of sexual assault and/or rape as well as abusive behavior.
Silence is also NOT consent.
Being too drugged or drunk to give consent is NOT consent.
Being asleep is NOT consent.
Depending on the person you're having sex with, sometimes it's necessary to set up very clear boundaries as to what's ok and what's not ok beforehand, while still checking in as often as you can or every once in a while to make sure that they still want to engage with you. Again it depends on the person.
Some people enjoy rougher and more spontaneous sex, and often non-verbal consent is given in those situations, or verbal consent has been given beforehand.
Safe words are an excellent way of letting your partner know when enough is enough. Though these are much more popular in the BDSM community, these work great for more vanilla sex as well, especially if your partner has been sexually assaulted or raped in the past. They are usually words that have nothing to do with sex like 'Red', 'Kangaroo', etc., whatever is preferred between you and your partner(s). There are also gestures, like tapping twice, etc., if there's a preference for being bound and gagged, or if there is some other impediment to being able to speak. Some people are also just naturally more inclined to be non-verbal, and thus prefer gestures. Again, whatever feels most comfortable.
Safe words/gestures can indicate needing to stop completely, merely needing to slow down a bit, or needing to do something different, some people will have different words/gestures assigned to different things, or some people may only have one for stopping. Again whatever is preferred.
Asking before touching is a great way of ensuring consent. Nobody has any right to touch you without your consent. Your body is your own, and thus not even family members or your intimate romantic partner or anybody else has any right to touch your body if you don't consent to it.
Even if you have to verbally ask every single time before you touch someone else, if that's what they require to feel safe and secure, do it.
For those who don't know:
Rape, as is legally defined by the U.S. Department of Justice is: “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” [source]
The legal definition of sexual assault varies by state, but "can be verbal, visual, or anything that forces you to join in unwanted sexual contact or attention. Examples of this are voyeurism (when someone watches private sexual acts), exhibitionism (when someone exposes him/herself in public), incest (sexual contact between family members), and sexual harassment." [source]
Rape has happened three different times in specific regard to two of the characters that I rp with. Perhaps there's more instances, I don't know, as I haven't read every thread. I am merely aware of those instances that happened with my own.
This is not ok and needs to stop.
That does not mean that rape and sexual assault shouldn't be written about. As a survivor of sexual assault writing about that assault and my reactions to it have been very useful in my recovery, as is reading other people's accounts of such events, even if they're merely fictional and the author themselves isn't writing from personal experience.
I've used these forums myself as a partial coping mechanism.
The type of thing I'm talking about is when an assault or rape is made to look like 'normal' sex.
Rape fantasies are different, as they are, again, consensually agreed upon beforehand.
Penetrating someone orally without consent is rape, and just to clarify:
When someone shoves their partner down on the their dick without gaining permission, that's rape. Whether or not they've given oral before, or if they're even currently giving oral as they're being shoved down, it doesn't matter. Unless it's either been agreed upon beforehand or there's been safety words/signals set up, that's rape.
Penetrating someone anally without consent is rape.
Penetrating someone vaginally without consent is rape.
The first two have happened in this forum. And the first one has happened twice.
It's not ok to do this.
And, as a personal note, this shit is triggering as all hell for me to go through, so especially don't do this with me.
If any of my characters suffer sexual assault or rape at the hands of yours, from this point forward, we will not rp together any longer and you will be permanently blocked by me. (not from this site, just from having any direct form of contact with me)
You no longer have ignorance as an excuse.
The only exception to this is if you've personally messaged me and we agreed that it would happen beforehand. Like I said, writing out sexual assault and rape and reactions to them is a part of my recovery process, so I'm not unwilling to explore it as a topic.
If there's anything you guys wish to add to this discussion or any questions you want to ask, feel free. And if I've ever pushed any of you too far or done something wrong, feel free to call me out on it. I'm still learning too.
Below are the links I mentioned earlier (as I said before, I'll likely add more as I find them):
Let's Talk Consent
Let's Talk Sex
Information on Rape/Sexual Assault (this entire site is a pretty good resource)
Sexual Assault Info
